A
letter to my Ex seems appropriate now that time has settled down like a dirt
road when the old truck is in the distance.
I have thought about all those years, all the months, weeks, days and
hours. What I have discovered is that
there was no time that my feelings weren’t hurt by some little thing that he
said or did. My memories are less
accessible today because I don’t want them to be and now I don’t wish to pull
them back out of that cobweb memory bank.
When
did it go wrong? When I thought that if
you love someone they must certainly equally love you. If you put a map in front of me like a board
of candy cane, I would be able to bring up every wrong turn in a long
journey. The thing I can do now is not
lay blame or commiserate with those wrong turns but to accept my own
responsibility. I am the only one who I
could change. I didn’t. Not in the beginning, not down that long
road, not when it was teetering, not until too many years passed.
I
know the saying that everything is for a reason and everything leads you to
where you are at the moment. That is
true because each roll of the dice moves you forward or backward but it moves you. If I had more control, more foresight, more
initiative, I would not have taken the road I took. If I had been brave. I don’t want you to think I am diminishing my
love for it was and is true and honest as any emotion I ever held. It still as strong as it was in the beginning
and that is why it took so long to bury that love long enough to step away from
the relationship.
Did
he treat me bad? Oh, my little bitty
heart believes so and if that is the case I now know that it doesn’t break
easily despite the jabs and punches [figuratively]. My relationship was like a dripping faucet
that slowly wore away the porcelain on the sink. It should have been a great relationship
because I am a devout romantic. I am in
love with love only to find out that love cannot be isolated.
I should
write to him, tell him that we were just not really meant to be and that I
should have known that in the beginning.
I feel bad that he spent so many years not happy but then maybe he just isn’t
a happy man. I don’t know. I could not see past myself to understand
that it wasn’t right. I should let him
know that I know that he truly tried but didn’t have the capacity to even
express his feelings. Maybe I didn’t
allow him to grow into being romantic, maybe I didn’t expect enough or was even
too insecure in the relationship to believe.
I don’t know. I don’t know
despite so many years, despite our strong friendship and despite love, I still
have no answers just acceptance.
I won’t write because I still think it might shoot me in the foot but I hope he is finally happy.
Barb
